addiction

hhhmmm been a while since i last blogged..which to some degree wld be a good thing since i only blog when im "emotionally screwed up" or overly filled with happiness which is a very rare thing to happen to me....
well the past few days/weeks has been eventful...been assuming the role of "the messenger" , "the babysitter"and also "the transporter"...i think if i dont make it as an engineer i can just drive a cab around since i so like to drive ppl around and know the roads like the back of my hand...

despite my role playing time i've been mainly confused/puzzled/thinking abt stuff most of the time..particularily abt something of particular interest to me....something tht i cant seem to get enough off AT TIMES...to a certain degree its been my "drug" of choice of late....i just cant seem to get enough of it although at times the morning after seems too much to bear....despite all the shortcomings and -ve effects this drug has on me i thnk im seriously hooked on it....although at the back of my mind i know tht the cold shower tht i wld hv to take in the future wld be unbearable and wld most likely change me in unimaginable ways, i will still go search high and low for this "drug" of mine.....at times my "drug" of choice leaves me wit pain beyond comprehension but at times the "drug" leaves me on a high nvr b4 achieved by other drugs....i've been telling myself to get off the drug b4 its too late...b4 it make mash potato out of my brains....b4 i hv to beg/steal/borrow $ to buy the drug...b4 ppl tht are around me dont wanna be around me because im a junkie...b4 i let my family down...

i know i need to do somethng abt my addiction before it gets out of hand (i think out of hand i but a dot frm my point of view) but i seem to be so helpless to do anythng..its like i cant bring myself to stop being addicted to it....its like the more i stop the more i'll use it the next time...everytime my hole gets deeper and deeper....i seriously think im way over my head this time...

am i really tht hopeless tht i resort to being addicted to something tht's "bad" for me in so many ways???...
am i really this weak tht i've become a victim of marketing strategies???...
am i tht sad tht i hv to use drugs to make me happy????...
am i tht sad???...

i need help...mayb i need a better drug..one tht wld not hv tht many -ve effects on me...hopefully one tht wld somehow be good to me....
please ppl...create/bring/introduce me a better drug b4 its too late....