Grey anatomy

As an engineer I was trained to see the black and white of the world. By profession I was trained to divide things into the possible and the impossible. Everything possible were quantified by equations and the laws of physics and the impossible was only limited by our imagination. Its nothing new to me that life is not all abt the black and white stuff, frm a little kid I’ve learned through the hard way that life evolves around the grey stuff. Things that you just cant explain things that just somehow happens for no apparent reason, things that just seem to eat you alive.

I’ve learn through the hard way again that I’m not a grey person by nature. I generally find it hard to except things that are unexplainable. I have this fetish to know every single detail there is to know abt a certain subject matter or person and needless to say that this has gotten me into a lot of hot soup. My curiosity has been the catalyst and also the archellis heel of my existence to date.

Lately I’ve found myself indulging in a lot of conspicuous consumption. It’s all good for the economy and all but when push comes to shove I just cant help thinking that I’m actually trying to make myself feel better abt myself if you get what I mean. As the day draws to an end I feel that all these purchases is actually filling the gaps in my life. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Oprah, maybe I never did recover, maybe I never completely let go, maybe im just plain old crazy.

For awhile back I came to realize that I never really got past certain road blocks in my life and now I think its beginning to creep up to me. I use to think that I’m a strong person and I can overcome what life throws at me but it’s no where near the truth. I realize that I tend to take the easy way out, like many others. I tend to say things that I know I cant deliver, matter of fact I’ve been told that what I say is not what I do, I don’t blame the person that said this, your 100% rite.

Trust me, sometimes I really wish that what I say is what I do but it’s not always the case and im beginning to feel the consequences of my action. The worst part if it all is that I don’t think I’ll survive unharmed when the time comes.

.......” I don’t know which hurts me more…knowing that you will never be what I want you to be or that I will never be what I’m suppose to be”.....jeremy